Liar
by just jay
Summary: Friendship is what makes you smile when love makes you cry, but I don't think the rules still apply when the one you love is your best friend. Kogan.


Thoughts: So, I was in a one-shot mood today. I just really wanted to write one. So I did. I hope you like it.

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I just wondered what it would be like to be happy.

I loved music, but, it wasn't for me. I knew that for a while, and while I was living that American Dream, it was all I wanted. But love is always on that road called life, and it always messes everything up. Friendship is what makes you smile when love makes you cry, but I don't think the rules still apply when the one you love is your best friend.

I can't help but smile when I look at him. I can't help but be happy when I'm with him, I can't help but be ecstatic to see him happy. But music gets in the way of that. Because of our music, we have to be a secret. I didn't want a secret. I wanted to show him off, because he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I was with him _all_ the time, therefore, I should have been happy_ all_ the time, but I wasn't. We had to put up these fronts, like there wasn't anything going on between us. About 20 hours of the day, we had to pretend like we didn't love each other, we had to pretend like we weren't special to each other, and he seemed to take it a lot better than I did.

My favorite parts were when we had a few minutes alone. I would laugh hard as he tickled me, and he would smile when I tapped his nose. Carlos would say, "We used to all shower in the same locker rooms. Knock it off." But we knew he was kidding because he would grin. Everyone had rooted us on from the beginning. It had been a long, tough road to get to where we were, we didn't want to mess anything up, but it wasn't easy. Anything we did as a couple could mess up our music career, and music messed up our relationship more and more. It was getting more and more complicated trying to keep up with two different lives.

We were doing another acoustic show in a small place with kids scattered on the floor. We ended with Stuck, thanked the people for actually listening, and we left. Throughout the entire show, I couldn't smile till I looked at Logan, who was smiling wildly, loving every minute of being where he was. I wondered why he didn't feel the same way I did. I wondered why us having to hide our relationship didn't eat at him like it ate at me. I wondered why I didn't seem to matter to him as much as he mattered to me. I wondered why I didn't love him any less after wondering all those negative things about him.

"What's wrong?" he asked me after the show as we were in the limo ready to go back to the Palm Woods. Logan looked nervously at me. He looked tired and vulnerable. I felt that same way.

"You did not seem happy at the show today," Logan said. "What happened?"

"Nothing is wrong."

"You're lying."

"I'm not lying."

"You're a really bad liar."

"I'm not a bad liar because I'm not lying."

"You just lied again."

My shoulders slumped, defeated and I looked at Carlos and James who sighed, knowing this routine all too well. Instantly, they took out their iPods, stuck their earbuds in, and cranked up their tunes.

Logan put his hand in mine and looked comfortingly at me. "You can tell me anything, you know."

"Yeah, I know. Sometimes I think that's the problem because we _never_ have time to just talk to each other. We can't even sit next to each other without Gustavo flipping a lid and forcing us apart. Nobody ever even knows a thing, and…I just…I want everyone to know you're mine."

He smiled, clearly flattered, and he leaned into me, his head on my shoulder. "I do, too," he said, his body trembling slightly as he let out his breath. "But I know, and you know and that's what matters most."

"Yeah, but, I can't help but feel like we're trapped and we're never going to put this to it's full potential if we can't even stand next to each other during an interview, or sit next to each other during an acoustic performance."

He sat back up and looked at me. "We're doing out best, and that's all we can do for now. We want this music thing to work, Kendall, remember?"

"You wanted to go to med school, remember? I was going to play hockey, remember?"

"Yeah, but…we're _together_ doing this. I'm pretty sure there's no hockey team at Harvard…"

"But it feels like we're not even together! And we're not even doing what we wanted…"

"But we want this. You wanted this. I thought you wanted this!"

"I did…I thought I wanted this too…"

"So, what? You just…don't anymore?"

"It's not that I just don't want this…this _is_ my dream…but I just think…I think we should be going with a different one. Especially now. Especially now that you're the only thing that matters to me and I can't even show you off and tell everyone how much I love you because that's all I want to do in this fucking world, Logan, is tell everyone how much I love you."

He looked like he was going to cry, but not because he was happy with what I said. And that's what had scared me. He bit his lip hard and he drew blood, but I pretended not to notice. "Kendall…I don't…" He swallowed hard and glanced at James and Carlos, who were both _clearly_ lost in their songs and had no idea what we were talking about.

"You don't what?"

"I don't want you to be thinking that way…this is a good thing for all of us. Especially you. You _love_ this. You _want_ this, I know you do."

"I know I do, too, but there's something else I want more."

"…you have that. You'll always have that. This is once in a life time. This doesn't happen to everybody, this doesn't happen to us, and it is. You can't think like that. In a year, we won't have this. In a year, you'll still have me. I'll always be here, right here, on your side."

"You don't understand where I'm coming from."

"I do, though."

"But you're not even trying to understand how I feel!"

"I understand how you feel, Kendall!" Yeah, he was crying now. James and Carlos hadn't noticed yet, but they would, soon. Logan continued talking. "You feel lost, like you don't know what you want to do. You feel like it doesn't matter because I'm here, but it sucks that you can't show it because everyone else gets to. It's not fair that Gustavo keeps us apart at all costs now, and nothing is worse than feeling rejected, and that's how you feel because we can't let everyone know. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. But think of it like this: We're going to make it in this. There's no doubt in my mind about that. We can _always_ be a doctor, or a hockey player. We can always go back and do those things, and hell, they'll probably be _easier_ because we'll be financially stable. And I'll always be here. Here. Right here.",

If friendship is what makes you smile when love makes you cry, the rules can't apply. I was making my friend cry because I was trying so hard to be his lover. Music was ruining everything. I didn't know what to do, or what to think, but I felt.._.selfish_. Because I think I was being selfish. I was a selfish liar.

James had noticed Logan was crying and took an ear bud out. Carlos noticed James taking an ear bud out and copied in suit. "Hey, is everything okay?" Carlos asked.

Logan quickly wiped his eyes. "Yeah, everything is fine. Right Kendall?"

I hesitated before nodding. "Yeah," I agreed, "everything's okay." I gave them the look and they put their ear buds back in and I looked at Logan.

His cheeks were red and his eyes were swollen from crying. He tried to fake a smile, but it didn't work and he gave up. "I don't like that you have doubts Kendall. You're too good at this to not use it."

"I can't help but feel like this…and you wanted the truth…I should have known you can't handle it."

"Can't handle-? I can handle it! I'm trying to talk you out of it!"

"That's not _handling_ it-"

"It's a _bad _decision to back out now! We're too far into this! I'm trying to get you to see that!"

I pulled at my hair. "We can't have this conversation anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because you're crying, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm clearly upsetting you and things are just getting worse. I should have kept my mouth shut from the beginning."

He looked like he couldn't believe what I had just said, but he said nothing. He didn't want to argue, either. He leaned into my shoulder and I put my arm around him. "I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about things like this. I just want you to be able to see it my way."

"I see it your way," I said, rubbing his arm comfortingly. "I do, really. You were right, I was just being dumb."

"Don't say it because it's what I want to hear."

"I'm not. I really mean it. Please stop crying. I love you."

I wasn't lying when I said that, and I wanted so badly to tell him that over, and over, in front of everyone. I wanted to not have to keep it a secret. I wanted to scream to the world that I loved Logan Mitchell, because I did, and nothing else should have mattered.

His head turned and he looked up at me, and I got closer and started kissing him, and nothing made me happier. I wanted this all the time. My mind hadn't changed, I still wanted to be able to kiss Logan, and stand next to Logan, and sing with Logan whenever I wanted. I guess he was wrong.

I am a good liar.

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Note: What'd you think? Honest opinion. Was it not good? I feel like it could have been a lot better...Thanks for reading! (:

Friendship is what makes you smile when love makes you cry, but I don't think the rules still apply when the one you love is your best friend.


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